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remorseless Profile
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Posts: 157
Remorseless Review of Crapture of the Shallow


It’s been almost thirteen years since Ritchie Blackmore disbanded Deep Purple yet four of his former backup musicians and a southern rock guitarist continue using the name of his band for financial reasons only. The Crazed Crappers have released two albums catering to niche markets.

Vegetables is the first album produced exclusively for play in mental asylums, commonly referred to as Gillan’s Inn in England. Vegetables can accurately be described as music for the lobotomized by the lobotomized and is quite popular with the mindless, slobbering reanimated flesh and bone that support this bogus lineup.

On their second and hopefully last album, the Crazed Crappers have created a new form of music. Crapture of the Shallow is the first album released for play as background music in porta-potties. Crapture can accurately be described as music for lobotomized crappers by lobotomized crappers and is considered trendy by Morsified Zombies taking a dump.

1. Money Talks – An uninspiring intro to a plodding song with a mind-numbing guitar solo from a lackluster album by a lifeless band. An even worse opener than House of Pain.

2. Girls Like That – Commercialized rubbish that not even a keyboard solo could save. If this song is about Steve then it should have been titled Ugly Girls Like That.

3. Wrong Man – This riff might have had potential with a legitimate hard rock guitarist. At least, the Silent Screamer and Prozac Kid finally admit that they hired the wrong man.

4. Rapture of the Deep – A rip-off of Perfect Strangers by a cheap imitation of Deep Purple.

5. Clearly Quite Absurd – A rip-off of Sometimes I Feel Like Screaming and that’s clearly quite absurd. It’s understandable that the Silent Screamer doesn’t know what to say.

6. Don’t Let Go – More commercialized crapture bought to you courtesy of the Crazed Crappers. The Lemon Sisters should just let go of the Deep Purple name already so that Ritchie and Jon can restore credibility.

7. Back to Back – Don Airey deserves credit for trying, but crapture is crapture and there’s only so much the former Rainboy can do.

8. Kiss Tomorrow Goodbye – Hey Silent Screamer and Prozac Kid, the mighty purple empire has fallen under your incompetent leadership and it’s time to kiss tomorrow goodbye.

9. Junkyard Blues – All of the Redneck Reaper’s solos sound familiar. The only breath of originality in this entire pile of junk is from Don.

10. Before Time Began – Politically incorrect crapture. Bad idea indeed.

11. MTV – Crapture is unsuitable for MTV no less classic rock radio. Ian Paice was in Montreux too or is he too medicated to remember!

12. Things I Never Said – A rip-off of Bananas and all of this crapture should have been left unsaid.

Crapture confirms something I have suspected for years. Rednecks are an alien life form trying to take over our planet. No human being could possibly play the guitar with such a complete lack of emotion.

In the past decade, global warming has become a serious problem for mankind. It’s hardly coincidental that the Redneck Reaper has been masquerading as a hard rock guitarist during this time period. At every concert, Deep Purple fans are literally bored to death by the Redneck Reaper only to return and walk among the undead.

Ostracized by traditional zombies, Morsified Zombies must resort to feasting on brains infested with mad cow disease and suffer from various stomach ailments. It’s the flatulence of these Morsified Zombies that is damaging earth’s ozone layer.

Now more than ever, the Legendary Remorseless Crusader wants you to join him in his Remorseless Crusade against the Morse Masquerade before the Redneck Reaper and his cult of flatulent Morsified Zombies destroy our ozone layer and end life on our planet!!!

The Legendary Remorseless Crusader Almighty
Internationally Renowned Defender of the Deep Purple Faith
Undisputed Lord of the Purple Realm
President of the Steve Morse Eradication Committee
Morsified Zombie Hunter for Hire
Keeper of the Big Purple Spoon
Brightest Star of the Highway Star


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Support the Remorseless Crusade against the Morse Masquerade
3/7/2006, 23:01 Link to this post Send Email to remorseless   Send PM to remorseless
 
Alistair Tait Profile
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Re: Remorseless Review of Crapture of the Shallow


!@#$ man... you need to get laid.
3/7/2006, 23:14 Link to this post Send Email to Alistair Tait   Send PM to Alistair Tait
 
Milan Fahrnholz Profile
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Re: Remorseless Review of Crapture of the Shallow


quote:

Alistair Tait wrote:

!@#$ man... you need to get laid.



Big time!
3/7/2006, 23:24 Link to this post  
 
Star City Profile
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Re: Remorseless Review of Crapture of the Shallow


That was insightful.... emoticon

You must walk around with a "beat me" sign on your back all day if you inflict yourself with a band you don't like so you can rehash the same tired criticisms you make of every Morse recording...

I don't like BN so I listen to a couple of tracks on the [sign in to see URL] in case I think something might have changed...(it hasn't)I certainly don't waste my hard earned money or my precious time listening to a n album I knoww i'm probably not going to like.

I [sign in to see URL] ar eprtoecting the honor of the Deep Purple [sign in to see URL] blah blah...
4/7/2006, 1:44 Link to this post Send Email to Star City   Send PM to Star City
 
paice30 Profile
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Re: Remorseless Review of Crapture of the Shallow


Actually, I find it entertaining ... in the vein of a "Nelson" song from the early 90's ... but entertaining nonetheless.
4/7/2006, 3:07 Link to this post Send Email to paice30   Send PM to paice30
 
ptr Profile
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Re: Remorseless Review of Crapture of the Shallow


I think I got it! Richard Feldman and Kevin Hall are one the same person! emoticon
4/7/2006, 8:31 Link to this post Send Email to ptr   Send PM to ptr
 
Alistair Tait Profile
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Re: Remorseless Review of Crapture of the Shallow


Is Richard Feldman Mk2Forever and Remoresless Crusader? I remember this guy on the old THS forums and I just assumed it was somebody having a laugh! Can anyone enlighten me...!?
4/7/2006, 13:43 Link to this post Send Email to Alistair Tait   Send PM to Alistair Tait
 
Star City Profile
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Re: Remorseless Review of Crapture of the Shallow


One in the [sign in to see URL] names change but the act remains the same.
4/7/2006, 15:51 Link to this post Send Email to Star City   Send PM to Star City
 
remorseless Profile
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Re: Remorseless Review of Crapture of the Shallow


In honor of the Fourth of July, here’s a remorseless suggestion for each of you patriotic Morsified Zombies: stick a plug in it and blow yourselves up!

The Legendary Remorseless Crusader Almighty
Internationally Renowned Defender of the Deep Purple Faith
Undisputed Lord of the Purple Realm
President of the Steve Morse Eradication Committee
Morsified Zombie Hunter for Hire
Keeper of the Big Purple Spoon
Brightest Star of the Highway Star


---
Support the Remorseless Crusade against the Morse Masquerade
4/7/2006, 16:05 Link to this post Send Email to remorseless   Send PM to remorseless
 
MrEd45 Profile
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Re: Remorseless Review of Crapture of the Shallow


quote:

remorseless wrote:


 In honor of the Fourth of July, here’s a remorseless suggestion for each of you patriotic Morsified Zombies: stick a plug in it and blow yourselves up!






 But wouldn't that make the Mz's come back even more Zombie-like?!?!? emoticon (emoticon/emoticon)
emoticon - I almost [sign in to see URL] a question or two for ya, Remorseless, and pardon me if they've been answered already...

1) Is your review based on listening to the entire album & all the songs in thier entirety, or on (relatively) brief samples?

2) If the answer is 'Yes' to basing your review on listening to the entire album & all of it's tracks in thier entirety, my last question is: Did you purchase the album or get to listen to it for free?

Last edited by MrEd45, 4/7/2006, 17:11


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" Those who can - do. Those who can't do - teach. Those who can't do or teach - administrate."
- Anon.

" One that will not reason is a bigot. One that cannot reason is an ignoramus. One that dares not reason is a slave." - Anon
4/7/2006, 16:46 Link to this post Send Email to MrEd45   Send PM to MrEd45 Blog
 
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