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PoshOldSlapper Profile
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Purple fan
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Registered: 07-2004
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posticon Cucumbers!


Now here is my sort of article........

From today's Guardian (UK)......

Unfortunately the on-line article does not include the wonderful diagram on the front page of the newspaper, which just happened to attract my attention in the first place. emoticon

Watch out, some of the language verges on X-rated in places, but please remember, we're ONLY talking about cucumbers here. [Admininstrators and Moderators please note!]

Some highlights:

"shrivelled pointy ends" - sounds painful! emoticon

"torn plastic sheath" - complete PANIC! emoticon

"(10-13in) long and evenly swollen along most of its length to 45-55mm in diameter" - 7th HEAVEN! emoticonemoticonemoticonemoticonemoticon

[Please, what's that in cubic inches?]

And I could certainly tolerate a "bulbous end" or two emoticon emoticon

No further comments about the final paragraph from me......

Somehow I do not think:

"How do you index emoticon ? is going to catch on as a chat up line.


Here is the text of the article:

Bulbous, curved, pointed?

We know, because the adverts have often told us so, that size matters. Now it seems shape does too, especially if you are a cucumber hoping to satisfy a leading supermarket chain.

A "cucumber specification chart", sent to the Guardian anonymously, shows just how perfectly formed the goods must be to pass muster today. The chart, which the supermarket gives to suppliers to help them check whether their products match up to its demands, carries glossy colour photos of 12 "unacceptable defects" in the fully mature specimen.

Droop or curvature will not do. Nor, it seems, will any self-respecting shopper tolerate "bulbous ends" or "excess handle".
And we certainly do not wish to be exposed to "scarring", the "malformed" (pointing up at one end but down at the other), shrivelled pointy ends, or a torn plastic sheath.

The only acceptable whole cucumber, according to this chart, is one that is 27-33cm (10-13in) long and evenly swollen along most of its length to 45-55mm in diameter. It must also be mid to dark green in colour. The pale green of the early English type does not have the strength to qualify.
The chart also incorporates a ruler for checking your ideal size and "maximum curvature", which, should you wish to try this at home, is just 3cm.

Despite having to go through these extraordinary hoops, cucumber growers are producing more of these shrink-wrapped, cosmetically perfect wonders than ever. Consumption of cucumbers has increased by 9% in the past year, according to figures from market analysts Taylor Nelson Sofres produced for the Grocer magazine.

"If the trend continues into next year, lunchtime will have overtaken the evening meal as cucumber's key meal occasion," TNS analyst Matthew Ferguson said.

Women like cucumbers more than men, it seems. "Males of all ages under-index compared with total vegetables," Mr Ferguson added, somewhat obscurely. emoticonemoticon


[url]
Original article can be found at:
[sign in to see URL],,1466029,[sign in to see URL][/url]

The picture is available with the subscription newspaper version
22/4/2005, 13:22 Link to this post Send PM to PoshOldSlapper
 
Finbarr Saunders Profile
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Purple fan
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Registered: 11-2004
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Re: Cucumbers!


WOOF! WOOF!
22/4/2005, 13:31 Link to this post Send Email to Finbarr Saunders   Send PM to Finbarr Saunders
 
Rahul Profile
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Re: Cucumbers!


I think this was a point Ian Gillan had with 'Bananas'.

These third world countries produce the things by the cartload, but only a fraction of them qualify for EU consumption.

If my cucumber was drooped at one end, it wouldn't bother me, so long as it tasted good.

---
We are here to watch three men, and three men only.
Would you welcome please, Robin Trower.

22/4/2005, 13:39 Link to this post Send Email to Rahul   Send PM to Rahul
 
MrEd45 Profile
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Registered: 09-2003
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Re: Cucumbers!


 Cucumbers - nature's dildo. emoticon / emoticon

---
" Those who can - do. Those who can't do - teach. Those who can't do or teach - administrate."
- Anon.

" One that will not reason is a bigot. One that cannot reason is an ignoramus. One that dares not reason is a slave." - Anon
22/4/2005, 17:27 Link to this post Send Email to MrEd45   Send PM to MrEd45 Blog
 


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